Soul mate

Noun
A person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner

Note on the above definition: In this Blog (a.k.a. short long story 🙂 I am focusing on the latter.)

Yowser!
I can’t believe that I am tackling this one.
The voice in my head is telling me that I might become a pariah on the dating front by posting this one.
Talk about putting on the pressure, on both me, my future soul mate and any of the women that I might meet in the interim.
A Top 5 trait list on what I am looking for in my soulmate!
Put together in isolation in my office.
Yikes!
Maybe I call it a generic top 5 list of traits of a soulmate in order for it to be less personal?

Is this even doable?
What do I hope to accomplish?
I guess that my initial thinking is that going through this exercise will help me better understand,
not only what I am hoping to gain by having a caring and loving relationship with a very special someone, but, I am also thinking that it will help me better understand myself when it comes to relationships of this nature, and maybe relationships in general.

As part of my life plan, I have created this whole life quadrant called the “my soulmate” quadrant
yet I have spent little time reflecting on and exploring what a soulmate actually means.
I can count on one hand, how many dates with different women that I have gone on over the past 3+ years since my divorce. I had gone on very few even before I married.
Someone recently mentioned to me that at my current dating pace I will most likely find my soulmate sometime when I am in my late 70’s. 🙂
Maybe they are waiting for me in a retirement home somewhere.

Yet, I keep coming up with excuses why I can wait a little longer on this front.
i.e. I need to get my business more established,
i.e. The kids are back to school so I no longer have time,
i.e. I need to get my hot yoga time in.
i.e. etc. etc. etc.

Not moving forward on this front has certainly not stopped me from moving backwards.
I don’t know how many times I have changed the name of my quadrant to “MY better half” from
“MY soulmate” because I have let others convince me that there is no such thing as a soulmate.

Although deep in my heart I know that these folks mean well, I feel like I am being bullied.
Asked to give up on my dream because of the experiences and beliefs of others.
O.k., maybe I am exaggerating a bit with the bullying, after all it is my choice what I want to believe in, but listening to others has discouraged me at times.
Regardless, I am now back to believing, certainly wanting to believe, that soulmates are real.
And no, I don’t believe in Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster.

I can certainly understand why people are sceptical about soulmates.
One only has to look at the statistics around divorce rates which are close to 50%,
basically, the probability that you will come up heads when you flip of a coin.
The stats are worse the second time around.
And what about all those couples that remain married or in a relationship where all or most of the love has disappeared, often replaced by work, or house work or time with the boys or the gals or TV.

I remember visiting my great aunt and great uncle when I was a little boy.
They lived in a small apartment and the squirrels would come to the window and we could feed them.
They were a really nice couple. I enjoyed visiting them.
I was quite shocked 20 years later when my Mom informed me that they did not speak to each other.
They despised each other so much that they did not speak to each other.
I could not believe how two people could go through life living in a small, one-bedroom apartment, sleeping in the same bed yet not even speaking to each other.
The agreement seemed to be “you clean my shorts and feed me and I will pay the rent, shut the hell up and let’s just get on with the rest of our lives”.
I don’t want to judge them but I can’t help feeling that there must be more to life than that.

How many couples have given up on love? On caring?
And once you do find your soul mate. Will it last? If so, how long?
A month? A year? Two years?
Is love like milk? Does it come with an expiry date?

I recently read “The 5 love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts”
In it, the author mentions that love is “one of the most confusing words in the English language”.
I will go out on a limb and speculate that this applies to other languages as well.
Despite some initial discouraging statistics, it sounds like a lot of people are living through some terrible unloving, uncaring relationships, I gained some newfound hope for the possibility of a long term loving relationship.
I particularly liked the concept of the love bucket, and the importance of continuously filling your loved one’s love bucket, and the importance that yours is also being filled by your loved one.
“Keeping the love tanks full”.

Apparently a first step in the love bucket filling business is understanding one’s primary love language.
The next step is to identify the one of the person whose bucket you are trying to fill. Or vice versa.
Hum, how hard can that be? There are only 5 to choose from.
I think that mine is “words of affirmation” but I need to explore it some more.
The jury is still out. Work in Progress. First Draft.
Do you know yours?
That of your loved one?
What about your children? (Yes they have them as well. I Just started reading that book as well 🙂 )

Is finding someone who wants to work with me to keep MY (and HER) love buckets full one of the traits that I am looking for in my soulmate?
If so, what are the other 4 traits? (a.k.a. the deliverables of this blog)
Enough questions. Let’s get started…..

I defined what a soulmate was already.
Now let’s start digging a little deeper.
Let’s start peeling the onion.

(Note: A reminder that all the articles and books alluded to in this story are listed below for further exploration)

I asked google the following question.
How to Know When You’ve Found Your Soul Mate?
The first article that popped up in the search was a top 18 list.
I found it quite good. Lots to reflect on.

I decided as a first start that I would choose the 5 that resonated the most with me from that list.
They all seemed quite relevant so it was a difficult task to narrow them down to 5.
I did my best but I was only able to get it down to a top 6.
Here they are, in no particular order;

1. Your souls meet at the right time.
2. You share the same life goals.
3. You’re not afraid of having a conversation.
4. You give in because you want to make your partner happy.
5. You complete each other.
6. You just know it.

The next question that came to me was.
Does a relationship with a soulmate last forever?
i.e. Can I expect to have more than one soulmate over my life?

Now that I have made some drastic changes in my life and become a lot healthier, I expect to live longer so this is an important question for me 🙂

Again. Just “Google it”.

Once again, there was no lack of ideas or opinions.
It almost seemed like the jury is still out on that one.
There also appears to be a bit of a definitional issue as well.
At times, it seemed like boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, soulmates, etc. were all lumped together.
They meant the same thing. I was under the impression that there was a big difference.
Since I don’t have the time to explore definitions at this time, and besides, this blog is all about ME (wow, talk about an EGO! How selfish of ME!) so whatever I come up with will be MY definition.

And, if it does turn out that soulmate relationships are not forever,
I really like the following quote that was shared in the article.
“don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss.
Yes. I am getting advice on my search for my soulmate from DR. Seuss.
An author of children’s novels 🙂
(and fellow writer – so I guess that is cool)

Oh, and apparently, I can take any one of many “Love” quizzes to help me in my journey.
There are tons of them out there in cyberspace.
There are even some where my potential soulmate is invited to input her data, in addition to mine.
Talk about stressful! Yikes.
I wonder how we are informed if it is a match made in heaven or not? By Email? Text? Tweet?
“Dear Mr. Walker and Ms. Potential soulmate. Thanks for taking our quiz. Your results. EEEEhhh! Let’s just say that you might want to take it again at some point BUT with someone else L. Sorry. But thanks for the $50.00. U.S. Please try again soon.

Here is one last piece of research as input.
In the book, “the happiness equation”, the author puts forward the case of finding a partner who is at your level of Happiness or higher.
He actually had a table in which you could calculate your happiness percentages.
Earlier in the book, he had introduced the concept that you are the average of the five people you are around the most. I liked the concept.
And who else are you going to spend more time with over your lifetime than your soulmate?

Now, in addition to my research, for this blog, I have also reached out to some of my colleagues and friends for some insights into this very important topic.
Thanks to my fellow coaches, Julie and Michelle, and of course my relationship counselor.
I also wanted to run this by someone who has known me for many moons. Thanks Deb.
And guess what, they are all from the planet Venus 🙂

In addition to helping me shape and prioritize my top 5 list,
I came away with lots of insights and ideas to help me as I move forward in my quest.
Equally as important, with ways of maintaining this hoped-for state of bliss when I do find that special person.
These are, of course, based on their beliefs, values and experiences (a.k.a. theirs lenses) and, in this case their gender 🙂

Maybe I should consider some input from a fellow Martian as I continue to explore this topic.
Some of the radio personalities on a local radio station were recently trying to help their colleague find her soulmate. The guys had some interesting ideas.
Perhaps I could learn from my fellow Martians as well.
Oh well, too late now. Maybe part of my next steps.

As I look through my notes from my discussions with my “Venusian” confidants,
I have captured the following points for further exploration and reflection.

My relationship counsellor mentioned that, “it takes time to know”.
The honeymoon period will eventually come to an end.
The end of this initial period of what sounds like bliss was also mentioned by the author of “The 5 love languages”. He introduced the concept of an initial period of “romantic obsession”.
He shared the results of a study that concluded that the average life span of a romantic obsession is two years.
Does this mean that I will have to contend with just such a probationary period during my journey as well?

Anyways, back to my relationship counselor.
She mentioned that there are 3 stages to when and how the
“bolt of love at the beginning of the relationship seems to have fizzled out”
Stage 1: Disillusionment.
Stage 2:  Nit Picking i.e. all of a sudden leaving those socks around becomes almost as annoying as the sound of fingers scratching the blackboard
Stage 3: Distancing.
Yikes. Distancing does not sound like a good way to fill each others Love buckets L
I guess you could send gifts (one of the 5 love languages) via the mail or courier but not sure that counts.

I also received some guidance on how to meet my soulmate from this group of confidants.
“Trust your intuition Dave”.
“Be yourself Dave”.
“Be authentic”.
Makes me think of the Seinfeld Episode where George introduced himself to someone he was interested in as being a marine biologist.
I did have an aquarium for a few years so I could probably hold my own under such a guise, for at least a first date anyways, but sounds like not the best approach.
Now that I think of it, in the end, things did not work out for George, the “marine biologist”.

O.k. then. Authenticity appears to be greatly appreciated. Noted.
Although that does not sound like the “standard operating practice” that I hear is being used by some of the potential soulmates using the dating sites to connect.

Sounds like there are a lot of marine biologist out there 🙁

I was also provided with a good yard stick (a.k.a. litmus test) to see if I am moving in the right direction.
“Everything should feel really easy” or as we say in Quebec, if it is right “ça vas couler”
(or roughly translated into English, “it will flow”).
If it does not “flow”, and sure, there will times when tensions rise, we all have bad days, and we are, after all, from different planets (Mars and Venus) but those moments I hypothesize would be the exception and not the rule. If not, red flags should be going up.

I was also advised to try and sense “vibrations”.
Supposedly “Emotions vibrate”. The higher the better. Low levels of vibration are not good.
I am assuming no vibrations, like a lack of a pulse, would be quite the nasty sign.
Flat-lining? Maybe time to move on.
But screw the flat-lining. I am looking forward to the good type of vibrations.
Good vibrations. Reminds me of the song by the Beach Boys 🙂

I was also asked if I had put together a more specific list or description of what this person, my soul mate, would be like. Umm. I had not.
At first, I thought that the exercise might pigeon hole my potential soul mate with criteria that were more theoretical than real.
A lot of my likes today are not the same as they were even just a few years ago.
I have tried things that I never would have dreamed of before that are now part of my day to day.
But putting this concern aside, I was curious to see where it would lead and decided to give it a try.

I mentioned to one of my acquaintances, a female acquaintance, what I was up to.
She mentioned to me that she had such a list. I believe it was a top 10 list.
She called it her traveller list. A list of features of the person that she wanted to travel with.
I was a bit confused by the name that she gave her list.
By travel, “are you refereeing to someone who would go off on a trip with you and then you dump them when you are back home?”, I asked.
Sounded a bit shallow and not what I was trying to accomplish with my list.
She replied that she was referring to the partner that she wanted to travel with her on her life’s journey.
O.K. then! I stand corrected on the shallowness front.
And, bye the way, I love the analogy 🙂
She also mentioned that she believed that finding one’s own soul, helped make finding one’s soul mate easier.
Interesting concept. I like that.
So, to that end, maybe I will take a crack at that list as well.
If nothing else, it will help me get to know myself better.

But before I start too many lists, I promised to share a very specific one.
i.e. MY take on the top 5 traits that I am looking for in finding my soul mate
Well, I tried my best to narrow it down to 5 but ended up with a top 10 list instead.
If the other Dave with a top 10 list has any issues with my list being called a top 10 list,
have his lawyer contact my lawyer 🙂 .
In the interim, I am making an exception in this case and going with a top 10 list

So, without further ado, here is MY take on the top 10 traits that I am looking for in finding my soul mate: Dave’s Top 5 List: Top 5 10 Traits of MY Soulmate

1. Communication: As my relationship counselor pointed out to me in one of our first sessions together a few years ago, “Communication to a marriage (or relationship equivalent) is like water to a plant. I have learned the hard way that not sharing one’s feelings, even with the best of intentions so as not to cause pain to someone, never ends up working out. Another C word comes to mind here. Courage. The courage to confront and discuss the tough stuff. I really like the way the authors of one of my favourite coaching books, Co-Active Coaching, put it; “What would it look like if people routinely told the truth to each other – even the hard truth – and insisted on nothing less than that without feeling the need to erect defenses?”. Well put.
2. Unconditional Love and Caring: Filling our respective love buckets. Caring for each other. Encouraging our respective dreams. Supporting each other through thick and through thin. We are all human. We are going to have bad days. We are going to face challenges. We are going to fail. We are going to fall.  Not only will it be important to fill up each other’s love buckets during the good times, it is probably even more important to do so when times get tough. Good thing that there is an assessment in the Love languages book to help each of us better understand our respective love languages J Tough times call for love and caring (for oneself and for our soulmate). Loving and caring no matter the situation; the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I believe that they call this unconditional love.
3. Connection. In coaching they call it being in “the dance”, a magical connection where you are connected on all dimensions, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. As previously mentioned, everything should feel really easy. It should flow. There is a positive energy between the two of you. You are so close and so connected that your souls are connected. Maybe this is where the term soul mate comes from? Good thing I have included it in my list 🙂
4. Family: Given all the change that I have recently undertaken, I have decided to revisit my list of MY core values. One that keeps coming up as number one on the list regardless of which methodology I use is Family. I love my children, so intensely that I have trouble describing it. They are such an important part of my life. I love my family and want to spend time with them as well. When I first ventured out on the dating scene I did not even include family in my online profile. I have joint custody of my children so I figured if the woman was not interested in my kids we could become bi-weekly soul mates. My relationship counselor was not impressed when I asked her opinion on that one. Yikes. What was I thinking 🙁
5. Fun: What can I say. Sounds a little narrow but having fun is right up there on my top 5 list of what leading a fulfilling life means to me (FYI, a previous blog topic). I like to have fun at work, rest or play so how could I not include this one on this list. I do realize that I will not be able to have fun all the time, there are times for serious discussions, for tough discussions, but that does not make it any less important. I like the way someone put it to me the other day. Having fun “just hanging out together”. That really resonated with me. Whether it is just sitting together reading a book, or chatting, or taking a drive in the country etc. Just having fun hanging out together, I love it 🙂 .
6. Chemistry: When I googled Chemistry in the context of relationships, this is what came up; “chemistry is a simple “emotion” that two people get when they share a special connection”. So back to connection. They say opposites attract, or do they mean that they complement each other? Being too much alike might not be the best fit. For example, if both of us decide on the spur of the moment that jumping in front of a train is a good idea. That type of behaviour could be problematic and hazardous to one’s health. Complementing each other to me is making each other better. In mathematical terms, sorry, the accountant in me, it is like 1+1 =3.
7. Joyfulness. Although fun is very important to me, I am not sure it would be enough so I have included joy to my list. Living a joyful life together. That is a little more holistic.
8. Trust: Honesty, transparency, integrity are a few words that come to mind here but the one that resonates with me the most is “I’ve got your back”. Through think and through thin. Go ahead take a chance, stick your neck out a bit further than you might usually, reach for your dreams, trust in yourself, I trust in you. I am here to catch you if you fall and I trust that I can count on you to do the same.
9. Growth. Most of us have heard the term “grow old together”. As previously mentioned in some of my other blogs I had pretty much given up on life before finding this new path forward, a way forward that is driven by curiosity and exploration. I have discovered so much about myself and others over the past few years and I am looking forward to exploring and learning so much more. Having someone by my side, supporting me through these times of learning and growth and change is very appealing to me. Perhaps the term I should use is my MUSE. Reminds me of an African proverb, “If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far, go together”.
10. Compassion: Being compassionate with each other. Being compassionate with ourselves so that we have the energy to be compassionate and give back to each other. If I were to come up with one word to explain how I was able to undertake my own recent personal and professional transformation it would be compassion. Compassion for myself. I am doing my best. That is all I can ask for. So, although this trait is at the end of the list it is very important. They all are.

O.k. Now that I have a first stab at what are now my top 10 traits, how should I best proceed.
I think I am going to take this one a little more organically than my usual modus operandi.
So, no top 5 list of action items here 🙂
How about just proceeding by reaching out and connecting with more women.
How about just getting out to more places where I might come across more women.
Does it really have to be that difficult an endeavour?
As the folks at Nike say, Just Do It 🙂

While you are at it.
Trust your intuition buddy!
Be yourself! Authenticity appears to be greatly appreciated.
Sounds like being honest, truthful and transparent is not the standard operating practice when dating, especially via the dating sites, so don’t go down that route. I implore you 🙂

Take it one day at a time. What do you have to lose?
The “worst case” scenario is that I will get to meet someone new.
If the romantic connection is not there, well, perhaps we will connect on the friend or colleague front.
Or the flip side, what might happen, maybe the connection with one of my friends or colleagues could end up heading into a different direction. I have read that that happens. Apparently often.

Sounds like I might want to supplement my time on the dating apps by just getting out more often to the places where people (in this case women) congregate.
Congregating at more events, and in more activities, would actually be fun and healthy depending on what I end up doing activity wise (i.e. sports).
You know what. I think I have a plan.
Now it is time to execute it.

Wait! that did not sound organic.
Screw the plan.
I just want to get going.
That will be my plan.
Going and doing and having some fun and meeting some interesting women.
O.k. now that sounds more organic.

And the yardstick. How will I know when I get there?
A litmus test to help keep me moving in the right direction.
I have done a lot of work recently on better understanding my values.
They have become my GPS as I move forward on my life journey and will certainly come in handy in this pursuit as well.

Oh well, I am just starting out.
I will have time to figure this out as I move forward.
I am looking forward to the opportunity to do so.

So, there you have it.
My first draft of my top 5 10 list of traits of MY Soulmate and some action items to go test them out.
As is the case with all my lists I expect they will evolve as I gain a better understanding of myself.
In the meantime, I look forward to meeting lots of great women.

Well. That’s all folks

Cheer

Dave

Looking at making a positive CHANGE in YOUR Life?
What would that change be?

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References used in composing this BLOG

Book References

The 5 love Languages: The secrets to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman

The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray

Co-active Coaching by Henry Kimsey-House, Karen Kimsey-House, Phillip Sandahl and Laura Whitworth

18 Signs You’ve Found Your Soulmate by June Silny

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/18-signs-youve-found-your-soulmate.html